According to Brian Ducker, a retired prison officer, who was the guest speaker at the Narberth Ladies Probus Club's May meeting at Plas Hyfryd Hotel, the only true media facts about prison life are portrayed in Porridge! This set the tone for his talk full of humorous anecdotes from his 30 year career in a number of UK prisons. Fielding questions as he went along, Brian outlined the prisoners' journey from sentencing to release. After sentencing in crown court they are observed, classified and then allocated to a suitable prison, which may not be local due to overcrowding in prisons close to crown courts. Once installed, prisoners' welfare is of paramount importance. They have three cooked meals per day with all special medical and religious diets catered for. Some need basic literacy and numeracy education, although few will admit to requiring it. They can learn a variety of trades, computer skills and even Open University degrees. They all work for a small wage to provide everything that is needed within the prison. The Clink Restaurant in Cardiff, open to the public, provides training in cooking, waiting and cleaning skills to enable inmates to gain NVQs and find work in the hospitality industry on release. Medical care is available 24/7, with hospitalisation as necessary. Priests of all faiths visit regularly and services are conducted to meet local needs (with no collection!) Responding to a member's question, Brian detailed the ingenious methods tried by family members to smuggle drugs to their loved ones. Long-term and life prisoners are reviewed when nearing their release date and, if considered trustworthy and ready for release, may go out to work in a normal job and even go home. Some go walkabouts, but are always caught, then not trusted and returned to a secure prison. To close on a lighter note, Brian passed around a small item of turned wood, a hobby of his, for members to indentify. After passing it around, and some prompting, it proved to be a useful, and much desired, kitchen utensil for pressing tartlet cased into their tins. "My bag's not big enough," declared one member, to close the meeting on the same jocular note we had enjoyed throughout. Sincere thanks for his good-humoured talk were offered to Brian by president Joan Manning. Our next meeting is on Friday, June 6, at 11.30 am, at Plas Hyfryd Hotel, Narberth. Guests and potential new members will be made most welcome. S.J.T.